Well now what to do? We could go back to the room and grieve for Ryan, but what would Ryan want us to do? Dr. Lindsay said to make any calls that we needed ($5.00 a minute ship to shore) and they would take care of the charges. I called my sister Lynda, Lyman's brother Dave, Holloways, and work. Everyone was as surprised as we were. Ryan had been feeling great and had not given any indications that he was not. We are in the Panama Canal, not just at home or in a hospital, but the Panama Canal! Ryan would want us to experience the trip through the canal. (I think this maybe a reason he passed on, because he could not wake up and didn't want us to have to get off the ship in Panama). This was probably a once in a lifetime deal. He had shown me on Tuesday where he was going to sit when we went through the canal. I showed Lyman the location, he stayed there all day took pictures and experienced the canal for Ryan exactly where he would have been. It was quite impressive and I am glad that we decided to go out and view the locks, the lake, the bridges, the Gaillard Cut, all of this is part of the Panama Canal. One of the ship's photographers, Molly, had met Ryan and us during the bridge tour, she didn't know he had died. She was off on the locks taking pictures and gave us a thumbs up, we gave her the thumbs down. Then she knew what had happened. When we were cruising on the lake I went to get something to eat. It had been since 10:00 p.m. last night that I had tried to eat something, I was feeling a little weak and had an upset stomach. Plus I had been up for about 36 hours. Linda and Dan had made a sign to hold as we were in the canal and they got their picture taken and they were also in the ships DVD. Linda came to find me and see how things were going. It was OK, but then so odd. I have been someones care giver for approximately 28 years, now I was not a care giver anymore. We then went and find Lyman and Dan (Lyman was still in the same location). We finished cruising the lake and then entered the Gatun Locks in the afternoon, this would take the ship back down to the Caribbean Ocean on the east side of the canal. I would highly recommend a cruise through the canal, it was quite the experience. We finished going through the locks and then on our way to Cartegena, Columbia. At dinner we sat in the same location that we usually did, there was a woman who had been on one of our off shore excursions that had spoke to Ryan before. She asked where he was, I had to tell her that he had passed away earlier that a.m. Also, we had met a couple from New Jersey in the airport in Salt Lake and had seen her earlier that week with Ryan. She saw me in the elevator and asked about Ryan, I had to tell her about his death. She was so sweet and had only met Ryan but felt a connection to him. She offered her condolences and wished us God's blessings. To be continued. . .

Now it is Thursday. Early a.m. about 1:00 a.m. We still are preparing to leave the ship at 6:00 a.m. We had the best care that could be available, the doctors and nurses went out of the way to explain everything that they were doing and why. About 1:30 a.m. things start changing, Ryan's vitals are dropping just a few numbers at a time. The nurse and the doctor are concerned about Ryan's output. With all of the IV fluids that they are pumping into him, not much was flowing through him. It appears that his kidneys were shutting down, next his vital numbers were still dropping a few numbers at a time. At about 2:30 a.m. Dr. Lindsay suggested that I call Lyman as things were not looking good. I had been through this before with Brad and it was so much the same (I think that it was harder on the doctor and nurse going through this). Before Lyman got there his vital numbers start jumping up and down on the scale from High to Low. Exactly what Brad did. Lyman got there and I said "this is so much like Brad". I think I knew that this was going to be the end. This was about 2:45 a.m. numbers are still widely fluctuating, up and down. Ryan takes one last gasp (he never did wake up, but in Ryan's own way he wanted us to be able to go through the canal). The numbers all flat line, all of his organs were shutting down. Ryan passed away at 2:55 a.m. just prior to entering the Panama Canal. Lyman calls our friends Linda and Dan and lets them know. They come down to the hospital to be with us, how special it was that they were there so that we were not alone. Thanks again to them for their love and being our support during this time. We are not sure, do we still have to get in Panama? We are able just to sit and spend time with Ryan. The hospital is on level 4 so we are down were there are portholes to look through. We check it out just as the pilot boards our ship and we pass under the Bridge of the Americas. Now we are on approach to the first lock in the canal. The doctor pulls Lyman out (Dan does go with him), they discuss what we do now. They call me over to discuss this also (Linda stays with Ryan so he his not left alone). The doctor advises us that the best thing to do would be to stay on the ship and finish the cruise to Port Everglades, Florida. Getting off in a foreign country could cause us to have to stay up to a month before returning to Utah. They do have a morgue on the ship and we can remain on board. WOW what a decision. But we have come to trust Dr. Lindsay and realize that staying on board would be best. He advised that this would give us time to grieve together. He also advises us that we can stay with Ryan as long as needed, but they would need to transfer him either before 8:00 a.m. or after 1:30 p.m. to avoid a lot of confusion with the crew. This was about 6:45 a.m.. Linda and Dan left and went to their room as we were getting ready to enter the first lock and they have been up since early that morning, too. We stayed with Ryan until about 7:45 a.m. and said our last goodbyes. Then we left him . . .to be continued

A day at sea. Today there were no early morning off shore excursions, a day to sleep in. Lyman woke up early and went out on his walk-about and to get breakfast. I said to him, "pick up some cereal for Ryan and bring back with you." Ryan was still sleeping, it was almost 10:00 a.m., I thought well we should get Ryan waking up and doing all of his morning routine. I gave him a nudge, he didn't budge. I sat down by him and did things that would anoy him, tickle his nose or bug his toes. No response. At this time I am getting concerned and try to find his pulseometer to check his vitals. No Luck! Now getting a little more concerned. I call my friend and asked her if she can find Lyman. She sends her husband, Dan to look for him and comes down to our room. Just a few seconds later Lyman walked in, I said call Dan & Linda and tell them you are here. Linda came down anyway. Lyman, also could not get him to respond. At this time I called 911 on the ship and they sent a medical team to our room. They also could get no response, but his vitals were good. They asked me if he was diabetic? No, that is a questions no one had ever asked about Ryan. They said that he was dehydrated. Lyman then lifted him into his reclined power chair to transfer him to the ship's hospital. Still his vital signs were good. Just not waking up. The day goes on and he still continues with no response. About 6:00 p.m., after some wonderful care by the medical staff, we were advised by Dr. Lindsay that we would have to disembark the ship in the Panama Canal as they could not continue with long term care on the ship. He felt that Ryan needed a cat-scan as to what had happened to his brain and why he was not responding. (The only thing I could think about was that I did not speak Spanish and with my luck I would fall off of the gangway in the early hours and fall into the Panama Canal). We would have to be ready at 6:00 a.m. to get off the ship. This meant packing that night to be ready to get off promptly. We would not get to go through the canal. But, we needed to know what was wrong with Ryan. I had been with him most of the day. Lyman stayed while I went to eat something and pack what was needed. It is a good thing my friend, Linda was there as I could not focus on what I needed! I needed to eat something as I hadn't eaten at all. We went to the Buffet, I tried to eat something since I didn't know when the next time food would be available. I returned to the hospital about 11:00 p.m. so that Lyman could finish the packing and we would be ready to get off. During the next hour I keep talking to Ryan and said "You need to wake up or we will have to get off and not be able to go through the canal." This was his dream trip to take this Panama Canal cruise . . . to be continued

Now we are in Costa Rica. What a fun day. The off shore excursion tour that Ryan, Linda and Dan and I went on was power wheelchair accessible. We took a bus tour through the countryside to the first stop at a small restaurant and gift shop, were you could look out to the ocean and see our ship. Next a little town and church were children were performing their native dances. Then a stop at a fruit and souvenir stand, before returning to the dock. Lyman, however did a different off shore excursion. He went on the train and boat tour. He is a total train buff. Anywhere there is a train he would want to check it out. We had a great day, wonderful meals, and fun. Ryan was a little tired out from all of the early morning departures we decided he could sleep in tomorrow as we would be at sea with no off shore excursions. To be continued. . .

I was wrong we actually went to Guatemala before going to Nicaragua, oh well. This day Ryan was not very happy the off shore excursion that we were doing was not power wheelchair accessible. So that is why he is in a manual chair that did not support him very well. His dad was going to have to lift him into the bus and then bring the manual chair with us, so not a good plan. Ryan was so uncomfortable and had a hard time holding his head and his body upright. I had thought the off shore excursion would be so fun that it would take his mind off of other things. The bus ride to the "Tropical Wild Animal Park" was interesting to see the countryside of Guatemala. I had expected it was going to be a Tropical Rain Forest with local animals that we drove through, but no it was more like a zoo. They were the same animals that you could see at Hogle Zoo in Salt Lake City. So much for the distraction. We decided after that if Ryan could not take his power chair then we were not going anymore. Live and Learn. To be continued. . .